FIGURING MYSELF OUT 2
As the years have passed and I've had the privilege to experi nce a plethora of people, places, animals and things, I've grown as a person. I've changed myself to suit the world I now have to live in, and obviously it hasn't been easy. Continuously stretched between what I want to be and what the world wants me to be, and what the people who love me want me to be and the people I love want me to be, I've grown like a muscle, constantly getting torn but rebuilding stronger.
Over time, some people have come into my life, taught me a few things, and left. Some have stayed. Some are yet to come. I don't govern this. I don't govern who comes and goes nor do I have much control over it. Like a friend of mine once said, "control is an illusion." It took me four years to realize that it's not as black and white but is somewhat correct. It correctly applies to this particular situation.
I'm a bit clingy, hoping for a few people I've basically given a part of my heart to, that they stay, albeit a bit longer. And I shut away from the world and take my time to understand the life I'm going to live without them after they've departed. I haven't stopped. Ever. Because I can't. Even though I loved them as deeply as never before. And some people I've cut off, by myself due to scores of reasons. And I don't care if it's big enough a reason for them or not.
But here's the thing. They've taught me how the world works, how the people in in are, and how simple and how difficult the world can be. And that's how I change myself. That's how I grow. Some people have been there to see my growth and even with my heart full of love for them, you don't know the whole story. I'm sorry. But you still don't know the chapters I've written about myself in silence, with an ink that only I can see.
I'll still give heed to an opinion of yours when you say I've grown or not. Because atleast some part of it, you've seen with your eyes.
But,
It would be a complete and utter bullshit if you're going to say I haven't grown as a person when you weren't there. When you didn't see me changing, even for a little bit. When you were so busy with building your own life, much to your own credit, that you forgot to check that there's this person changing and growing too and I know nothing about it, and if I do care about him/her I should check him out a little bit more.
Yes, I write bullshit sometimes, but it would only be known to the ones who read between the lines. And even they haven't seen a word of the dark chapters I never chose to share. "There's already a world fighting to keep sadness at bay, why should I add mine?", is something I've always gone with. But you can't lay a finger when you just read it, just to read it, and when you didn't read it at all.
When change happens, it happens gradually. It is perfectly visible to only one person, and that is the person going through that change. Only he knows what's actually going on.
If you've helped me change and grow, I'm grateful to you, but you still don't know me.
